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Posted August 13, Reviewed by Lybi Ma. People are often in unfulfilling relationships.
The dynamic of one partner always giving and the other always taking is common. When requests are made for the takers to give up some part of themselves, they usually decline or flee, at once feeling alarmed and afraid. What is the psychology that underlines this fear and what can you do about this? Selfish lovers often suffer from feeling inadequate. Their feelings of inadequacy run so deep that they end up feeling ashamed. When the taker then gives up just a little, this feels relieving to the giver, like a glimpse of a of life. But unfortunately for the giver, this does not last too long.
Selfish lovers are often hiding something they are very ashamed of as well. Giving makes them feel out of control and threatened as they worry that the reason for their shame will be revealed.
With this strong feeling of having to cover up all the time, they hold onto their love very tightly because giving it up makes them feel as though they are sliding on ice. Also, for selfish lovers, love feels like a scarce resource.
When selfish lovers give up a little love, they start to worry that the little that they are connected with will all be gone. This is because Dating selfish men lovers are often not self-connected and even when they are deeply intelligent, the one faculty that has remained undeveloped is the faculty of being self-connected.
Perhaps the greatest obstruction to the selfish lover is that he or she is afraid to learn at a later stage in life. It is like asking an adult to start to learn how to swim. It is much more difficult later in life. Apart from avoiding the torture of a selfish lover, and if you find yourself in a relationship with one, what can you do so that your entire being is not lost in trying to resuscitate his or her internal deadness? First, recognize that selfish lovers are easily threatened, so complaints about them, to them, will rarely work. Talking it out in the usual way is not an option. At least, it takes a long time to draw someone out of this.
The things you have to do are:. If all else fails, leaving is always an option, but with your addiction to selfish lovers, you are likely to find another or turn them into one. Some soul-searching may help you make better future choices. The questions you ask yourself on this soul-searching journey: How do you live outside your craving?
What are you avoiding doing by being addicted to love? How can you turn your loving energy into something that gives back to you? This will help you get closer to your relationship goals. Srini Pillay, M. Srini Pillay M. Debunking Myths of the Mind. The Psychology of Selfish Lovers When your partner cannot give. About the Author. Online: Dr. Read Next. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist. Back Get Help. Personality Passive Aggression Personality Shyness.
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7 s Your Partner Is Too Selfish For A Relationship